I know Jesus is with me always. It's okay if I don't feel Him near – I believe He is. Distractions separate us. Life gets in the way. The enemy tried to make Him invisible.
And I know there are other people having a date with Jesus at the same time as me and that's okay because He doesn't leave me to go be with someone else. He is everywhere, all the time, intimately present so that He and I can have a conversation any time. He is completely present in the moment, waiting for me to speak, wanting to hear what I have to say, interested in me, laughing at my jokes, being serious when I am serious, never trying to lighten the mood because He's uncomfortable with my raw emotions – He's had them too. He gets it. Jesus is the perfect date.
He asks me out (I don't have to beg). He opens the doors for me, not in an awkward oh-let-me-get-that-for-you kind of way, but in perfect rhythm with my pace. He tells me I look nice today and He says He likes being with me.
I tell Him I like being with Him too.
He asks me how I'm felling and He listens intently as I tell Him. He offers comfort and He rephrases my awkward sentences to say completely what I really feel, what I really mean. But He never holds this skill over me (like I'm stupid).
He is polite to the waiter, saying encouraging things to make the waiter's job enjoyable. Not trite or forced or flattering. Just honest. He sends His compliments to the chef. He doesn't belch. He doesn't speak too loud. He doesn't embarrass me in anyway.
And He uses a napkin.
He never swears or participates or starts gossip. He smiles at my jokes and laughs if He thinks they are really funny, but not that fake plastic laugh – you know the one I mean – the one that is forced to keep me talking and liking Him. He is completely confident in His Being. He doesn't need to show off.
And we aren't rushed. The conversation is a perfect blend of back and forth peppered with un-rushed silence. He insists I order dessert and never mentions the cost or alludes to my weight. I order cheesecake. He orders chocolate cake because he doesn't want to embarrass me by ordering the same thing or not ordering at all – which would be humiliating.
But then, He loves chocolate.
During dessert, He excuses Himself and says He will just be a minute. He needs to talk to someone in the kitchen. He somehow allows me to see inside the kitchen in my mind as I sit enjoying espresso and biscotti. (Yes, that is two desserts.) He finds a woman washing dishes and speaks softly to her. She is crying. She grabs Him and hugs Him and I am so happy to share this moment with them. The sous chefs and cooks and waiters are watching and smiling. I don't know what it's all about, but I don't have to. I'm caught up in the moment of Jesus sharing His love with others.
He shakes hands all around and gives a few hugs, all in perfect timing and discretion.
Back at the table, the check is paid and we take a stroll to the park. We don't really walk in step, but it's comfortable. He doesn't walk ahead of me, or behind me, not even an inch or two. I don't have to try to catch up. I don't have to try and figure out which path He's taking.
And even though I speak softly He can hear me. He can hear every word I say. I don't have to repeat myself. And He understands the manner in which I speak those words and understands even better than I understand what I am saying myself.
At the park we sit on the grassy hill overlooking the huge lake. A gentle breeze is blowing and the temperature is perfect. We don't need a blanket because the grass is soft. There are no ants or bugs or bees except for an occasional one that flies far away. The birds are singing; competing for attention, but taking turns in a musical antiphonal psalm.
And I am comfortable looking at Him, not embarrassed or afraid or intimidated by His gaze. I don't look away when He smiles at me. I just keep sharing my thoughts and enjoying the day.
I look off past the tree to the right and the other side of the lake. A boat moves quietly in the water. The thick trees create a sort of foundation for the hills and mountains beyond.
It's quiet. A silence falls between us, comfortable, like time standing still.
He's not thinking up a reason to end the day. He's not thinking up jokes or clever things to say to fill the silence. He's waiting. He's comfortable with the silence too.
And then I am suddenly convicted in the realization that I have been doing almost all the talking and the entire date has been about me.
The conviction sinks deep into my heart like a hand holding it down, uncomfortable. I want it to stop.
“I'm sorry,” I whisper.
He is looking at the mountains to save me humiliation. Somehow I know that He knows what is bouncing around in my brain. I squeeze my eyes shut. I repent in my mind of my selfishness. The heaviness instantly leaves my heart. Cool air brushes over it and I feel even more at peace than when our date began.
“What would you like to know?” He asks.
No questions come to mind. The awe growing in me opens my view. “Everything,” I say. “I want to know everything but I don't know how to ask it.”
“There are no wrong questions.”
I'm searching. I find that I don't know the questions I need to ask, until I find the answers.
So I learn about Him, little by little. He only tells me what I can handle. Some things wash over me and I pray that I will meet those things again when I am able to place them deep in my heart.
But for now, Jesus is my Counselor, He holds my tongue in check and speaks to me of things I should say and do.
The enemy wants me back, but Jesus holds on tight, fighting for me, comforting me and when I'm hurt or wounded, when I'm out of the battle, He fights for me.
Jesus is my Friend, my Comfort, my God, my LORD, my Only True Love, and I want to understand Him more, see Him clearer, know of His works in other people's lives, know more of His works in my life.
Jesus fills the hole in my heart, if I just sit quiet and let Him. Jesus is my Soul Mate. Jesus is my Joy, my Music, my Special Secret Song, my Confidant, my Brother, my Husband, my BFF, my IM Buddy, my Teacher …